Sales Decline
by owsnik
Summary: Ryan reprimands Michael for slacking off on his sales which has made the company's sales lower, and new workers arrive at the warehouse. Set during the 4th season.
1. Chapter 1

[Michael is on his computer, looking a little confused]

**JIM**

Michael, what are you doing?

**MICHAEL**

Why, Jim?

**JIM**

Well…

[talking head]

**JIM**

The other day, Ryan called up this office. He told me how important it was to keep an eye on Michael and he wanted someone trustworthy to do that job, and said I was unfortunately the closest thing that came to that description. Actually, he asked Oscar first – but Oscar apparently said no. So, I am now forced to check on what he's doing occasionally. And Ryan said he'll "make sure" of that. Still, kinda screwed my day up.

[back to scene]

**MICHAEL **

I saw something on 'Michael Scott' on wikipedia, and it didn't seem like it was me. So I had to look up 'accuracy of wikipedia' on the Internet.

[cut to Yahoo! Michael is typing in 'wikipedia'.]

**MICHAEL **

Ah! I've found something good…and useful.

[talking head]

**JIM **

He then went on the 'Wikipedia' article…on wikipedia.

[back to scene]

**MICHAEL **

All right…accuracy…okay! Here is the section. Only thing is, Jim, should I go on 'Criticism' or 'Reliability'? Both are…

**JIM **

Michael, not only is there probably more than one Michael Scott – you're looking at the reliability of Wikipedia on the site itself. How do you think that's…

**MICHAEL **

Jim! This is wikipedia, it's never wrong.

**JIM **

Michael, this is the _Wikipedia _article on Wikipedia. You're not gonna find anything that's possibly vandalized under 'criticism'.

**MICHAEL **

*sigh* Jim. I can't even remember this office back before Wikipedia was invented. And now someone is possibly spreading around…rude…lies on the Internet – and you don't think that I'm going to go to the best source for a site that could so often be wrong? You…don't make sense and you don't understand my point. Go back to your desk.

[Jim sighs and leaves]

**MICHAEL **

Ooh, an 'edit' button. That should put a stop to this… [he starts typing]

*OPENING CREDITS*

**PAM **

Okay…yeah, he's in his office. [pause] What? No…yeah, I'll connect you. [calls to Michael] It's Ryan.

**MICHAEL **

All right.

**RYAN **

Michael…

**MICHAEL **

Ryan! Buddy! What's your…

**RYAN **

I'm great Michael. Better than ever.

**MICHAEL**

Great to hear! So what do you need, sir?

**RYAN**

I'm making drastic changes to this company Michael, and nobody in the Scranton branch seems to be cooperating, so I'm going to have to let y'all off with a quick warning. This company will _not _be the same in a year – and I'm disgusted with what's happening in some of the branches, so I've had to take action.

**MICHAEL **

Slow down, slow down, you're acting…a little too hostile and it's like you don't even know who you're talking to. This is Michael, your friend, your old boss…not Toby. What branches are you even talking about?

**RYAN **

None of the other bosses told me they had any problems with the new policies I've explained. Michael, you don't take your work too seriously – and the website is suffering, and I think it's probably because my employees aren't acting competent enough. I put up with all your crap down in your old branch without saying a word even though I knew it was all pointless, but now I finally get to…well, decide what's best for Dunder Mifflin.

**MICHAEL **

There's not one bad salesman here. Stanley – great. Andy – excellent. Dwight and Jim are of course, two of our best. And I have been selling paper since before…you even got out of high school. So I don't want to hear anything like that…from someone like you.

**RYAN **

_You _remember who this is right?

**MICHAEL **

It's Ryan…and me, Michael. Having a conversation. About work. As buddies. What's the city been like?

**RYAN **

Yeah. I don't care how good of a salesman you are – you have to _keep up _with it. You haven't made a sale in MONTHS! So stop. Maybe…I'm thinking some of your workers should teach you what to do. You need to remember. You need to be a good boss, and I don't think people see you as one when you can't do what you need to. A friend of yours paid for the attitude he had.

[talking head]

**MICHAEL **

Sometimes I get so…sick…of Ryan. He's still got it looks-wise, definitely, but that beard…[laughs]…he thinks Pam'd go for that? Pam wouldn't go for that. I liked him a while ago, but now he's giving out orders to every single one of us like that's what every boss is supposed to do. I believe in karma – karma is…well, one of my teachers taught it to us, and it's hard to describe the exact definition – I'll ask Kelly about it later – but basically it's when bad choices you make eventually come back and bring you down. For example, Osama bin Laden, the guy who carried out the 9/11 attacks several years ago – he did that, and he came back with a message for our people in America last year, and the news called him impotent, and now he can't make love to his many wives. And that's what's gonna happen to Ryan. I know it.

[in Michael's office, Michael is on the computer examining Jim and Dwight's recent sales reports. Pam comes in]

**PAM **

Michael, what are you doing?

**MICHAEL**

Have to check sales reports, Pam.

**PAM**

And why do you have to do that? Is it because Ryan—

**MICHAEL **

Yes! Ryan, Pam! You heard him – he was being, well, all up on his pestedal – and he basically screamed at me to take a look over the sales reports, and to do some more of my own! But thanks to him, this office isn't even _fun _anymore. A boss is supposed to show his workers…fun. Back when Jan was our office manager, well—maybe I should call David Wallace and ask for Ryan's position.

**PAM **

No—you know, before you do that – maybe you should keep checking over the sales reports, make sure everybody's doing their job adequately.

[Pam sees Michael's sales reports, notices that he hasn't made a sale since October]

**PAM **

Oh my God…Michael…this doesn't ever come up, does it?

**MICHAEL**

[sighs, lays head down on his desk]

That's what she said.

**PAM **

I can't believe that – Michael, you have to monitor this stuff. Everybody here has been doing a lot more sales lately because of the failure of the…

[Andy walks in]

**ANDY **

Hey Mike. Been working on that sale – and it was tough, but I finally got it down. Now, it's not like I expect a reward – but c'mon, my figures are, and always have been impressive. Even Dwight looked _really _impressed—

**MICHAEL **

Yeah, Andy, good…I'll record it when I get some time. Is anybody else outside there, besides you, working hard?

**ANDY **

Most people…I'll let you in on a secret out there—Meredith isn't selling anything. Neither is Kelly or Creed.

**MICHAEL **

Yeah, listen, get back to your desk – I need to talk to some of the other salespeople.

[Andy stares at Michael for a few seconds, and backs away and closes the door. Cut to Michael in his office later talking to Dwight]

**MICHAEL **

Do you believe in karma?

**DWIGHT **

Absolutely.

[talking head]

**DWIGHT **

Karma is one of the most prominent principles in Buddhist culture, split between the two concepts 'yin' and 'yang' – 'yin' meaning good, and 'yang' meaning evil. It also reflects the balance of life, but one of many assumptions to more naive outsiders that has a certain truth is that karma is maintained by the heavens in a way that causes good people to be rewarded and the bad to be punished. Just look at that guy on "My Name Is Earl". He doesn't get it like I do.

**MICHAEL **

Well, you know I'm not big on asking you about weird, religious stuff like this—

**DWIGHT **

Michael, I think you misunderstand the entire—

**MICHAEL **

Shut it…I'm…I'm trying to make a point. The only reason I asked you is because Packer called me up, and told me Ryan had just fired him.

**DWIGHT **

What?

**MICHAEL **

Yeah, he was just being a _jerk! _And that's like, one of the most jackassy things he's done ever since he became boss. If I had gotten that job, I'd be firing a lot different people. [camera pans over to Toby, who has his head lain down on his computer]

[talking head]

**TOBY **

Yeah, I'm thankful Michael didn't get the job. I could only imagine what would've happened...

[different talking head]

**MICHAEL **

Yeah, I imagine all the time what it would have been like to get that job. Ever since I got that interview, I started thinking about it and how everyone at Scranton would have been affected. Jan told me to forget about it, but I think it's just sour grapes because it was _her _job. And that was one of the reasons she broke my TV I think...

[cut back to the office]

**PHYLLIS**

Michael, why are you so worried?

**MICHAEL **

I'm just...I'm not just worried about me, Phyllis! I'm worried about everyone here, and every dedicated employee working at Dunder Mifflin who's future is in jeopardy because of our new boss. You always need someone to subdue you when you have stupid ideas.

[Several people at the same time, either look at or roll their eyes at the camera]

**PAM**

Well, Ryan apparently has come up with a lot of new ideas...

**MICHAEL**

Yeah, and they're all...overly advanced for this company – it doesn't need a huge overhaul or a brand new website. It just needs people...and paper...and care. Like every company does.

**PAM**

I'm not saying I _like _his new ideas...

**MICHAEL**

Good. Because no one does. Toby!? Last resort. Do you like his ideas?

**TOBY**

I actually thought they were relevant – and smart –

**MICHAEL**

[sighs] Toby, stop saying things like that—

**TOBY**

Michael, I'm not saying it was good he fired Todd Packer—

**KELLY**

Todd Packer? Wasn't he the one that grabbed my ass at the St. Patrick's Day party we had last year?

**MICHAEL**

It was you or Karen...I don't remem-

**JIM**

Wasn't that the party where you stopped everyone for a minute, admitted you didn't know what St. Patrick's Day was celebrated for, asked Ryan to look it up, and when he got you the information said 'no, hey! Just another excuse for a PARTY!'

**MICHAEL**

How do you remember my exact words?

**JIM**

I... [pauses, can't figure out what to say]

**MICHAEL**

Never mind. We need to figure something else out. Because the office will not have a point if everyone is just worrying with me...

[talking head]

**JIM **

I'll be honest – some things about Michael are hard to forget. Really hard.

**MICHAEL **

Ryan says this is like global warming. You can't do much, or stop it—

**ANGELA **

Global warming is a lie. God wouldn't do something like that to this planet. He told Noah back in Genesis.

[everyone is somewhat confused, even Andy, but then he nods a few times and then turns back to Michael]

[talking head]

**ANDY **

Yeah, I believe in global warming. But I'm not gonna tell my girlfriend that. [voice gets a little lower] Just because, she gets a little _forceful_ when I question…things like that. She says you shouldn't question God, or his plan, or what he's done. Or…what she's done – because God decides for her. So I'll have to keep what I personally…think…on the low, for this relationship to work. [smiles]


	2. Chapter 2

**OSCAR **

No, global warming isn't a lie. I've believed it from the get go.

**PHYLLIS **

So have I. Actually, Al Gore was the one who convinced me… [smiles]

[Toby and Stanley both nod]

**OSCAR**

Really, one of the more important issues today _is _the Earth.

**DWIGHT**

Pfft. The Earth isn't long for this world anyway.

**MICHAEL **

[trying to stop the conversation]

Okay, if global warming is real, it's not gonna affect Dunder Mifflin Scranton.

**OSCAR**

Of course it is—

**MICHAEL**

Shut it! No, we will be just fine. It will affect big cities like…Hong Kong…or Paris.

**STANLEY **

What?

**MICHAEL**

Paris, France, Stanley.

**STANLEY **

Yeah, I know where that is, Michael—

**MICHAEL **

Okay, we are getting into a different topic! We will discuss political things like global warming sometime, guys, but now we need to focus on our company. Do we have anybody who understands what I'm talking about and will help me?

[Dwight raises his hand, and Jim stands up]

**JIM **

Yes, maybe, but uh, have you forgotten that there's gonna be new guys in the warehouse soon?

**MICHAEL **

Shoot. I meant to plan the office around their arrival…but I've been, preoccupied.

[talking head]

**MICHAEL **

There will be new workers in the warehouse. I forget when they're coming…but you know, I'm always prepared. There aren't that many down there in comparison to say, the earlier 2000s, and these are the first people to come since Roy left. Ryan told me there'd be around 6 arriving. Should be cool, introducing this company to excited little newbies. I'm sure they're just waiting to open the door and see what they see!

**PHYLLIS **

They're coming tomorrow.

**MICHAEL **

You sure?

**PHYLLIS **

Yeah, we were all listening in on Ryan's call too. Pam put it on speakerphone for us.

**MICHAEL **

Pam, that's pretty irresponsible. I trust you with a lot of important and sensitive calls, you shouldn't be doing that—as a practical joke. It's not funny.

**PAM **

Well, we all knew you'd probably forget.

**JIM **

Yes, on the contrary, I'd say that's pretty responsible.

[Pam smiles]

**MICHAEL **

[sighs] Well, if that's what he said, okay. We'll…give them a small party, Darryl can describe to them their jobs…

**TOBY **

Michael, they all came in for job interviews – they know what they're supposed to do.

**MICHAEL **

What? I'm not listening to you. But I guess we'll finish out the day and wait for them to come tomorrow.

[cut to later in the day, around 4:30 PM. Michael is down at the warehouse]

**MICHAEL **

Yo, Darryl!

**DARRYL **

Hey Mike.

**MICHAEL **

Darryl. So, there are new workers coming tomorrow. Do you know any...do you have any information about them?

**DARRYL **

I met them around a month ago, showed 'em what we do here. Think they'll do fine.

**MICHAEL **

Who are they? What are they like?

**DARRYL **

Mike, you're gonna meet 'em tomorrow.

**MICHAEL**

I am looking forward to that.

[Michael's phone rings with the tune of Kanye West's "Can't Tell Me Nothin". Michael checks the caller ID]

**MICHAEL**

Packer, how are you?

**TODD PACKER**

Well, that dumbass temp of yours fired me, Mike! Gave me a hundred BS reasons for it too.

**MICHAEL**

That was you he fired? Why?

**TODD PACKER**

Well, he showed David Wallace complaints that I got from customers and a few from coworkers. Then he called me into his office…

**DARRYL**

[to Lonnie, who's standing next to him] What's that?

[door of the warehouse opens, and four people come in. Packer's voice, more faintly is heard from Michael's cellphone as he presses speaker]

**TODD PACKER**

…so that's why. I got really pissed, but no one can blame me for that – so, I'm planning some revenge against this old temp, wanna help out?

**MICHAEL**

Well, sounds TEMPting, Packer, [laughs] but there's something I need to do at work, and Ryan…ooh, I think it sounds risky. He's my boss. I'm not sure if he'll take it badly if I do anything like that…I'm getting a little worried about myself. I'll call you back tonight.

**TODD PACKER**

Fine, as long as you—

[Michael hangs up, and goes to the door along with Darryl and Lonnie.]

**MICHAEL**

Two people? God, Darryl, where's everybody else? What happened—where's that woman that I see down here once in a while?

**DARRYL**

Madge is pregnant, she's giving birth next week.

**MICHAEL**

Madge? Her?! Oh, well, that's good but I was never informed. You guys need to inform me about that…

**DARRYL**

We did. You called her 'the Phyllis of the warehouse' and told us you didn't really care.

**NEW WAREHOUSE WORKER**

Uh, hello – I'm Max. We all needed to ask a few things and meet a few people before we started our jobs, and Toby said it was fine.

**MICHAEL**

Max? Hello. First thing, don't talk to Toby. He knows nothing about this business.

**MAX**

You think I could go upstairs? I'd also like to meet in your office.

**MICHAEL**

Yeah…sure. [in a more lighthearted tone] There are other people here Max, other people I don't know!

**MAX**

Well, I don't know them either, we all applied for this job separately…

**NEW WAREHOUSE WORKER #2**

I'm Cassandra.

**MICHAEL**

Hi, Cassandra. Why are you here at the same time Max is?

**MAX**

Like I said, we all needed to come here to meet with a few people.

**DARRYL**

But there are only four people here…

**CASSANDRA**

How many were supposed to come?

**DARRYL**

Six.

**MICHAEL**

Well, Cassandra you and the other two new people can stay down here – cause Max wants to come up and talk with me.

[Max nods, and follows Michael up the stairs]

**MICHAEL**

So, how long have you been working at Dunder Mifflin?

**MAX**

I have…I'm starting tomorrow – I've never worked here…

**MICHAEL**

Haha! Ah, that's only a joke Max. I use it when it comes to nervous-looking new guys like you. But what do you need me for? You're working in the warehouse.

**MAX**

So I'll be working downstairs? I just needed to know some minor details. I tell you though, Darryl was very persuasive when he conducted my job interview. Sounds like a nice guy. Just sounded like he knew what he was doing with everything. I honestly hope you're as good a boss. Sorry, I probably sound weird…

**MICHAEL**

Yeah – that's all right. Cool, Max. Okay. Well, you won't have to deal with me as a boss. [snickers] But I'm sure you will find me a fun person. Best of luck downstairs.

[Michael looks at the camera, and watches as Max leaves.]

[END OF ACT ONE]

[Camera pans towards Michael's office, where he is thinking, his hand on his head]

[talking head]

**MICHAEL**

You know, I'm not gonna complain about Ryan as our boss now – but I am thinking back when Jan used to be the boss. She was a very successful boss, and woman. She always was a successful woman [smiles]…no, she, she wasn't, anyway, it's just funny how there are a lot more successful, powerful men in business than women. Like Donald Trump. If Jan hadn't gone…you know, crazy…I bet she could have become a female Donald Trump. And how amazing would that have been? I could say 'I had sex with the female Donald Trump.' Can you imagine the looks on the faces of the people I would have said that to?

[cut to the office the next morning. Michael comes in]

**MICHAEL**

Pam! Guess what? I got a cat yesterday. And I want to bring it into the office.

**ANGELA**

You got a cat yesterday?

**MICHAEL**

Yeah. Is that okay, Angela?

**ANGELA**

I think it'd be no problem to bring it in. Cats are sanitary and quiet and mature.

**KEVIN**

A cat would just wander around and distract us.

**CREED**

I hate cats.

**DWIGHT**

No! Live animals are not permitted inside this office! Do you remember when I tried to bring in a horse?

[talking head]

**DWIGHT**

There used to be several different types of horses on Schrute Farms. I decided to bring in a small one, although unfortunately, I couldn't fit it into my car, so I had to make him take me to work myself that day. Got up at 4 A.M. just cause I'm committed to Michael and this job. Anyway, I wanted a few people to see it and then the security guard threw a fit and told me to leave. I told him I wasn't leaving, so he said he would donate the horse to somebody responsible. I told him he wasn't allowed to do that. But then Michael came down and saw and didn't approve, so I had to take a day off that day and have him bring me back to the farm. He died a few weeks later.

**PAM**

Why did you even get a cat yesterday?

**MICHAEL**

Because I was on the phone with Packer, told her about Ryan and Jan. He told me to get an animal, and that'd make me feel better. So I took his advice.

**JIM**

Why would he say that?

**KEVIN**

Are you sure that's what he meant?

**MICHAEL**

C'mon, guys! Who doesn't like animals?

[cut to Michael's room, he's on speakerphone with Packer]

**TODD PACKER**

Mike, why the hell did you get a cat? I told you to get a _dog_.

**MICHAEL**

Out of dogs—they were out of dogs.

**TODD PACKER**

How many pet stores did you go to?

**MICHAEL**

[quietly and subtly] The...um...only one. The only one around here. There are no other pet stores besides the Petco on Washington Avenue.

**TODD PACKER**

Dogs are a man's best friend. I hang around my ol' German Shepherd when I want to have fun, or when everyone's pissing me off – and that's why they come in handy.

**MICHAEL**

They keep you company?

**TODD PACKER**

Yes, they do.

**MICHAEL**

Well, I heard cats and dogs don't get along...

**TODD PACKER**

Get rid of the cat! Give it to the chick in your office obsessed with 'em!

**MICHAEL**

Angela already has a lot of cats.

[Toby comes in]

**TOBY**

Michael, after your warning from Ryan, I think you should be working more today—

**MICHAEL**

Toby, I am talking to someone. So keep your mouth shut if you don't want to be...thrown out the window, until I'm done with the call.

**TODD PACKER**

Mike, I know this is a risk – but do you think I could transfer over to your branch, temporarily?

**TOBY**

You can't do that, because you'd risk getting Michael fired.

**TODD PACKER**

Who is this? Is this Toby?

**MICHAEL**

I know...I told him to leave...

**TODD PACKER**

[censored] you Toby! I don't give a damn about the job, the temp, or your opinion.

**TOBY**

[to Michael, quietly] Just tell him you think he should look for a new job.

**MICHAEL**

Why? He had a good job.

**TOBY**

I know, but he doesn't have it anymore.

**MICHAEL**

You know what Toby, I'm not gonna listen to you. Packer, if you want you can...

[Pam calls out to Michael]

**PAM**

You've got a call on the other line from Ryan.

**MICHAEL**

You sure it's for me?

**PAM**

Yep.

**MICHAEL**

[frustrated, but knowing that it's necessary] Yeah...okay.

**RYAN**

Hey Michael – made any sales yet?

**MICHAEL**

Well, no, Ryan – I'm doing something even more important than that, consoling a friend in need. I'm following the teachings of the Bible right now, and that's more important than selling paper.

**RYAN**

Are you talking to that loser Packer? He's out of this company for good. I'm not happy with you, man – start doing what you need to do, I'm serious.

[Michael is having trouble controlling his anger at Ryan, and tries to simmer for a few seconds until Toby urges him on to finish the conversation]

**MICHAEL**

I'll start this afternoon. I promise it...for the whole company.

**RYAN**

Okay.

[they simultaneously hang up on each other]

[Michael is walking around the office]

**STANLEY**

[smiles] So Michael, you worried about starting sales again?

**MICHAEL**

Ah, no, Stanley – today'll be a breeze! *blows air in Stanley's face*

**STANLEY**

[angrily] Do not do that.

**MICHAEL**

Stanley, how have your sales been doing?

**STANLEY**

Fine.

**MICHAEL**

Okay...

[Michael walks over to Creed's desk.]

**MICHAEL**

Creed...what's up? What are you—what are you looking at?

**MEREDITH**

He looks at the creepiest things when you're not around.

**MICHAEL**

What—what is this? All right. How often do you do your job?

**CREED**

Didn't the temp ask you the same thing before?

**MICHAEL**

[under his breath] Joke's on me in this whole damn office...


End file.
